mark tidsworth

Religion is in the news again. An article by Daniel Burke, CNN’s Religion Writer describes the chaotic clashing of religions and religious beliefs in our current context. This week President Trump declared the U.S. would recognized Jerusalem as Israel’s capital, a move quickly scraping the veneer off competing religions in that region and here in the U.S. Burke noted the wedding cake controversy from 2012 which is moving through the courts, as well as the Roy Moore spectacle wherein religion is being used as a club by many. See this article at Roy Moore, Jerusalem and LGBT rights: Why is religion so divisive? 

Even more, Burke cites research about the intensity behind religious motivation when it comes to grasping for power or position. Not surprisingly, we humans tend to use our religion to help us get what we want in life. There is a clear stream of self-interest even flowing through our use of faith systems. Our brokenness as human beings shows up even here: in our faith traditions which are designed to help us rise above that very brokenness. Thus, we are living the human dilemma.

All this though, makes me wonder what God thinks. I find myself reflecting on what Jesus would do when it’s protest time. Would Jesus just stay away, being too busy healing and serving elsewhere? Would Jesus march on one side or another, waving signs and staring across the divide at others? Would Jesus appear as desperate as any one of us, scratching for our place in society?

This moves us to the heart of our faith. This takes us to the primary images driving our faith traditions, the Christian tradition in particular. The cross, it turns out, is the primary and nearly universal symbol of our faith. In and on the cross, Jesus most clearly demonstrated what it looks like to love a world gone wrong. His teachings consistently reinforced this crucifixion symbol. Remember his arrest in the garden, telling the disciple to put away his sword (a kingdom not of this world)? Remember all the talk about loving one’s enemies, laying down one’s life for others, and turning the other cheek? Remember Jesus’ invitation to discipleship, including taking up the cross to follow him? Does this look like someone who is protesting to get his rights acknowledged?

No, I’m not suggesting Jesus would avoid the protest. In fact, that’s one of the places Jesus would most likely be; where our humanity is on full display. And I’m certainly not suggesting those protests from the past which embodied Jesus’ principles (like the nonviolent MLK, Jr. organized marches) were misguided. What I am wondering is what Jesus, were he incarnated in the flesh here and now, might do. Perhaps he would

• Hire a catering company to set up tables between opposing protest groups; inviting all sides to a good meal together, knowing that eating together always breaks down barriers.
• Set up a listening booth (like Lucy from Peanuts, but without the advice), inviting protesters to tell their stories, listening with curiosity and empathy.
• Invite everyone into every house of worship if the protest was a march; inviting each faith represented to lead us in focusing ourselves on something beyond ourselves.
• Ignore his own desire to push for his rights; instead looking for the most powerless and least represented in the crowd and lifting those persons up.
• Direct his anger toward the religious people who were condemning others because they are not following their rules (see all four gospels).
• Offering to take pictures of protesters from opposing sides so they can remember their day together.

And who knows what else. It’s strange how powerful our symbols are when it comes to driving our behavior. Certainly this list leaves many questions unanswered. And just as certainly, following Jesus who’s driving image was the cross, makes for a messy existence.

Yet, it is equally strange how the ugliness of the cross can become so attractive in our broken and divisive world. Few of us are drawn to militant religions, driven more by the desire for power than anything else. That image of religion drives so many of us away from the entire organized religion endeavor. But, this Jesus on a cross, taking the suffering of our kind into himself; transforming it through self-sacrificial love. One could follow a God like that.

If one’s sense of morality is not being tested at this particular point in history while living in this United States, then that one is not paying attention. On a far grander scale than ever before, those who organize their lives around Jesus Christ, are regularly and starkly presented with large-scale moral dilemmas. The clear and present divisions in this country, combined with the outing of so many powerful people for sexual harassment, along with a president who is willing to exploit the issues churning in the public square to advance his cause or himself…all of this is confronting Christ-following people with major kunundrums rarely experienced on such a large, public scale.

In this kind of context, identifying the questions before us can help. Certainly the way we frame the questions influences the answers, revealing clues about the perspective of the one doing the asking. Yet, that doesn’t negate the need to clarify what’s before us.  Here are some of the more glaring questions confronting us right here, right now:

• How willing are we to tolerate moral failure in leaders in order to gain political power?
• How much do we believe the ends (one’s political party being elected) justify the means (exploiting fears and electing dubious characters)?
• Is there a political party with Christian values? Anymore? Ever? Or has it always been about political power?
• Does integrity matter in leadership? Or does expediency trump integrity?
• What does the gospel (good news) mean in this context?
• Are our churches able to help us navigate these waters; help us collectively struggle with these important issues? Or is the fear and suspicion too pervasive even in church communities to be much actual help to each other?
• Is there good news in the gospel which transcends one’s political affiliation? Is there good news which endures when one’s country appears to be deconstructing before one’s eyes?
• How sustaining is one’s faith when that religion appears to only be an extension of a political party?
• How does it affect our participation when our religion moves from majority to minority status in our country and communities?
• What does it look like to be a Christ-follower, people who organize their lives around the Way of Jesus, in THIS America?
• What’s it look like to be salt and light in this crazy American context?
• When the categories which held for decades (like liberal and conservative) disintegrate, no longer resembling what they were, where to from here? Are categories even helpful at all anymore?

I could go on.

You get the idea.

I believe these are the kinds of questions which come to a people when their culture, political system, and cognitive schemas for understanding their world deform and deconstruct. I don’t believe America will return to its previous state or condition; too much has come to light and broken apart. I do believe many saw this coming; observing major large-scale shifts rising for years.

Given this, one thing I do know. The answers we gave to the questions before this postmodern shift in America arose no longer suffice. Since the former ways of being in the world are going the way of all things, the answers which informed and guided us then are also growing irrelevant.

That’s where hope lives. I believe the gospel is good news for all people in all places AT ALL TIMES. I believe this is the perfect time for the good news of Jesus Christ to guide us in the present. I’m eager to see how the robust, life-giving, good news of this gospel will transform those who will into vibrant examples of human beings, even in a context of deconstruction. May it become so right here, right now.

More and more professionals use leadership coaching to help them strengthen their effectiveness in their vocations. Over the last ten years or so, pastors have been inundated with invitations to be coached, with many doing just that. We at Pinnacle Leadership Associates coach pastors from many different size churches and various denominational backgrounds every week. Sometimes those pastors are so moved by their coaching experience, they themselves grow interested in serving as a coach. We see their interest as very good news; indicators that the power of coaching draws others toward the coaching profession.

While the interest of pastors in moving into coaching is encouraging, there are specific considerations to engage before making the decision to launch a coaching practice. Over time, we’ve watched (and coached) plenty of pastors who have made, or are making, this move. Observing their process has sensitized us to the pivotal factors involved. We hope the following list saves others effort and perhaps costly unforeseen mistakes, while positioning pastors for effective discernment regarding coaching.

1. Purpose/Calling – Reflect on why you are interested in becoming a coach. Do you have the kinds of gifts which contribute to effective coaching? How much might coaching be another expression of your calling? How much might coaching be part of your life purpose; an expression of why you are here on this revolving planet? What part of your interest is financially driven? What part of your interest is about building security through an additional vocational outlet? Then, what do your answers mean to you?
2. Capacity – Reflect on your current work week. If it’s full (whose is not?), then identify the negotiable parts? What might you lay aside in order to take up coaching? By capacity, we are restricting this word to time in particular. How willing and able are you to make time in your week, laying aside other activities, to provide coaching?
3. Initiative – By now, the coaching field is nearly saturated. We can’t tell you how many coaches are trained and ready, yet are unable to create a client list. So this means successful coaches are people with high initiative. They are able and willing to do the cultivation work necessary to develop clients. Pastors would do well to consider how much initiative (directed, extroverted energy) they have available for developing their coaching practice, while maintaining initiative in their congregational ministry.
4. Effective Working Agreement With One’s Church – There is nothing good about starting coaching on the side without the church’s agreement or blessing. Before investing significant time and money into the training process, explore your congregation’s openness to you adding coaching to your portfolio. They will want to know if you will coach disciples from your congregation, what the fee arrangement will be, where you will do your coaching, and especially how your coaching work advances or detracts from the mission of this congregation. Prepare well before initiating this dialogue.
5. Training – There are many fine training outfits available. As you consider your training options, visit the International Coaching Federation’s website, looking at their list of accredited training organizations. These are not the only training programs who can provide credentialing-ready training, yet they are representative of quality training. The ICF does not provide training, instead functioning as the credentialing body. Others, with counseling licenses, may want to pursue the Board Certified Coach credential which requires less training, given their counseling skills which easily transfer to coaching. As you look at training, you will naturally assess your time and financial capacity for becoming a trained coach.
6. Solo Practice Versus Joining A Group – Many factors influence this decision, though the second and third factors listed here are primary. After determining your capacity level along with the initiative available for coaching work, then you are positioned to decide on going solo or joining an established coaching group. In general, only those with high capacity and initiative will be effective at establishing a solo coaching practice. Solo practices include additional skills like website development, newsletter creation, forms development, billing and collecting fees along with everything else involved in business ownership.
7. Confidentiality – Most pastors have some level of training around confidentiality, or have learned its significance through experience. Yet, when moving into coaching, pastors discover layers and nuance regarding confidentiality which they have not been required to consider. Reflect on your ability to resist the urge to talk openly about coaching experiences in sermons, social media, and in casual conversation. Our organization has received new coaching clients who abandoned their former coach after seeing the content of their coaching session on Facebook.
8. Location For Your Coaching – The transportable nature of coaching is wonderful. Coaches work from traditional offices, home offices, church offices, outdoor settings, and coffee shops (to name only a few potential locations). A major factor in this decision is whether you will provide in-person coaching, phone coaching, or video-based coaching. Many of us provide coaching by each of these modalities. A primary consideration which needs to be part of your working agreement with your congregation is whether you will do any coaching from your church office, either in-person or by phone.

Though there are others, we have found these 8 factors are critical for pastors assessing their interest in becoming coaches. One other, which nearly goes without saying, is for a pastor to have a coach. I guess we are assuming this is the case, stoking the interest of pastors toward coaching in the first place. Nevertheless, engaging a coach who can help one consider these 8 factors, and then certainly if one decides to launch a coaching practice, dramatically improves the likelihood of success.

We hope these 8 factors will contribute to your discernment about your relationship with coaching. For those who discern becoming a coach is not their calling, you have done good work by carefully considering the factors involved. For those who discern their calling includes becoming a coach, blessings on the journey as you pursue this life-giving way of serving in Christ’s kingdom.

NOTE: Myself, and our team at Pinnacle Leadership Associates, regularly coach pastors in so many ways. Feel free to contact me at markt@pinnlead.com, 803-673-3634 (Pinnacle President), or our Coaching Coordinator, Ircel Harrison, at ircelh@pinnlead.com.

“I rather wear out than rust out.”                                                                                                       -Dick Bass, Mountaineer

I’m in shock. Surely I’m not 55 today. That’s only 10 years from traditional retirement age. Though I don’t expect to keep that tradition, the realization of how fast time is flowing is shocking. Yesterday it seems I was only 25. Just, Wow.

Over the last two or three years, I’ve fallen into the practice slipping one particular exercise into as many presentations as possible. Calling it an “exercise” or “activity” doesn’t do it justice, since it often leads to holy moments right there in the event or retreat or presentation. It’s very simple really. At the right time, when people are ready, I ask them what they know. “What do you know about God and God’s ways with our kind (human being Christ-followers)?” No, not what does your systematic theology tell you. No, not what you believe you should or ought to know (don’t should on yourself). No, not what your peers expect you to say. But what is your REAL theology? What do you know deep in your bones about you and God? When you wake up in the middle of the night, anxious and scared, aware of the fragility of our existence….what do you know then which brings peace and allows you to go back to sleep? When you run out of options and your back is up against the wall….what do you know then which empowers you to continue onward? When the wolf is at the door and the door is breaking down, what do you know then which calms the terror in your soul and gives you confidence for living this life? In other words, what do you know about how God meets you in your need?

So, here on my 55th, it’s a good time to share my answers. During those events wherein I ask this question, I provide 4 or 5 insights which I know. Yet today, I hope I’m still learning and engaging and experiencing God. I hope what I know now is what I used to know, plus more. Here’s what I know. Here’s what sustains, empowers, and generally keeps me hopeful as I traverse through this wild wide world.

God’s love is bigger and better than I thought. The boundaries I consciously and unconsciously set around God’s grace have been blown away by God’s fierce love.

Church breaks out in so many unexpected places. As I travel and engage Christ-followers in various places, we instantly bond around Jesus. 

Human beings can stand more than they think they can stand. Our family has experienced deep pain in several ways, travelling through desert wastelands, and yet we were sustained by God’s enduring power. 

The landscape on the other side of pain is richer, fuller, deeper, and more real than on the pre-pain side.

Everyone’s got a story. No matter how good, nice, or pretty their lives look, everyone’s got a story. Working as a therapist for 20 years blasted the illusion that anybody has it all together. And, we human beings are far more alike than different.

Strangely, God grows thick in a room when people drop their defenses and share their stuff. 

Holy moments, times when the veil between us and God grows thin, cannot be manufactured. They have a life of their own. This makes them so much more real when they happen. 

Holy moments; genuine “blow you away” spiritual encounters, don’t happen so often. If they did, I think they would destroy us. I can live off one holy moment for a long time. They are that powerful. 

My belief that one can vision life, then plan it out, has gone the way of all things. Now I discern where the energy and passion are, and then follow. There are too many variables and moving pieces to do anything else. Peace fills my soul when I live by faith.

People are strangely beautiful. They come in so many shapes, sizes, and configurations. There’s no end to the quest to understand them. I’m more fascinated with them than ever. 

People can hurt you when you get up close to them. Being in relationships requires courage. But it’s good courage and the joy of knowing and being known is worth the pain inherent in the experience.

My sense of mystery is growing. There is so much more going on in this universe than I imagined or was told. The more I pursue the mystery, the more wonder and awe fill my soul. 

Jesus was so far ahead of his time that we still have not caught up with him 2000 plus years later. Living in the Way of Jesus is so dramatically different than how we actually live, the best among us is just flirting with it so far. And, simultaneously, we are hungry for living that way and connecting with others who are pursuing that life.

Conventionality is overrated. Every day I care less about the shoulds, oughts, and prescriptions about how this life is lived. The less I care, the richer life becomes. My aspiration is not to become unconventional (still a dependent life position), but to grow more authentic and real. 

I could go on. And I hope I go on. I hope what I know will look very different 5 years from now. But for today, this is what I know. What about you? What do you know that sustains you day in and day out? I’m curious to know.

 

 

 

When what was more good than not, becomes more not than good

When the underside of our kind becomes the upperside

When what was hidden in the dark is disclosed by the light

When leaders disappoint so often our trust-ability may never fully recover

When we recognize our faith traditions are unintentionally complicit with systemic brokenness

When we recognize it’s more about maintaining power and position than living the principles

When our best collective expression of what is good is consumed by our worst expression of ourselves

When our disappointment with the Church tempts us to harbor resentment or become a Done

When we recognize that even what we thought is good in this world is tainted by evil

When we can no longer deny that we are part of this mess

Then we start

Then we start to recognize the Christ

Then we start to recognize the Christ who stretched out his arms, vulnerable to injury

Then we start to recognize the Christ who allowed his heart to be pierced with the pain of his children’s collective lust for evil

Then we start to recognize the Christ who absorbed the brokenness, and pain, and evil into his very self

Then we start to recognize the Christ who shed tears over Jerusalem, over the brokenness of his human offspring

Then we start to recognize the Christ who showed us the way

For it is in embracing the brokenness, in listening to the despairing, in moving into the mess of humanity

For it is in following the Christ into the pain, suffering, and illness of our world that we find our way

That we find our way

When we recognize the Christ, we find our way

 

 

“What we are without in childhood is what we are about in adulthood.”

Yes, until we are not.

I don’t remember where I first read or heard this folk wisdom statement. It could have been at a continuing education event for therapists, or maybe in a self-help book, or perhaps it was a post on social media. Regardless, it instantly made sense to me. Even more, it made sense of several insights and observations about our maturing process as human beings.

Clearly, we see in ourselves and one another the tendency to seek in adulthood what we did not experience in childhood. Many of us know people who grew up in very poor families during the Great Depression in the United States, with food scarcity as constant companions. In adulthood, many escaped poverty and the deprivations of their childhood, yet the experience of not having enough followed them. In adulthood their homes are like food pantries, with enough food stored away to feed multiple families for months. There’s no way they are experiencing food scarcity in adulthood. They are consciously or unconsciously proving to themselves they have enough.

They are not alone. Each of us works to make up for whatever we did not have in childhood. Typically, the process is unconscious. Adults from families where accomplishments were the highest priority find themselves yearning for the ability to accept themselves just as a they are, apart from their accomplishments…simply because they are human beings made in the image of God.  Adults from families wherein love was rationed and sporadic find themselves marrying a person who’s liberal with affection and nurture. Adults from families with poor boundaries find themselves constructing strict boundaries around their personal privacy, enjoying the gift of personal space and time. What we are without in childhood is what we are about in adulthood.

Until we are not. This tendency to swing to the other side, filling in the gaps or experiencing the other side of life, shapes the themes when we are fresh out of the gate into adulthood. We need to experience what we did not get, proving to ourselves that we are capable of finding what we need in life. This need drives us to fill in the blanks and erase the deficits.

But then, for those who keep growing, there comes a time when this personal work is done. We prove to ourselves that we can take care of ourselves. We experience what we missed. We find the love, food, security, freedom, or whatever we missed. We fill the holes in ourselves until we prove to ourselves that we are sufficiently full.

That’s when the opportunity to live as free people emerges. This first phase of adulthood is actually a reaction to the past. We are living in reaction to what was, working to make up for early experiences. There’s no way around this; a normal part of human development. It’s just not the stopping place. Once we prove to ourselves we can take care of ourselves, filling in the gaps from childhood, then we enter a new season of freedom to choose our way. Now we are more free to chart our course, follow our callings, and make our way in the world. We are freed to take life as it is in the present and future. Our reference point for life moves away from the past and into the present. In this season of life we lean into ourselves in new ways, less driven by reactions to the past.

It’s funny how we are adult-ish for so long, before we become adults. Evidently growing a mature self is a long term life project. May we prove to ourselves that we are capable of filling in the gaps, growing into fully formed adults, moving through the seasons of this wild life journey.

What we are without in childhood is what we are about in adulthood, until we are not.

-For the common good

---

 

If somehow they could time-travel to present day United States, those early disciples of Jesus Christ would double-over with laughter. “What? Let us get this straight. You are upset because your government is no longer as ‘Christian’ as it was? You are feeling shunned because your government does not promote your religion in it’s laws or activities? You are angry because your government doesn’t abide by the same moral and ethical guidelines as you? Those of you on the political right believed your previous president (Obama) was the destroyer of your faith? Those of you on the political left now believe your president (Trump) has the power to tear down everything good and spiritual? Surely you jest.”

After they realized this was not a hoax, the early Christians would be incredulous. Were they able to compare their experience with government and popular culture to present-day Christians, they would not know what to say to our ridiculous concerns. These might be their particular observations:

• You expect your faith story (Christianity) to be the golden-child religion of your government; the religion to be promoted above others. We tried to stay off the radar screen of our government for fear of persecution.
• Speaking of persecution, you believe you are currently experiencing “trials by fire” because you’ve lost a bit of cultural prominence and popularity. We literally experienced trials by fire.
• You’ve grown to expect your government to subtly promote your religion, while we just hoped our government would not kill us due to our living in the Way of Jesus.
• You are intimidated because your religion is declining in popularity while other religions are increasing, while we were seen as a minority, cult-like, negligible faith movement with no assets or power from the beginning. We were one small faith movement among far more prominent and powerful religions.
• You own property and are respected institutions in your communities….we can’t even imagine this. Wow, you must be turning the world upside down with your cultural privilege!
• You just open church buildings and expect people will come to your worship services because Christianity is so culturally embraced. Again, we cannot imagine sitting, leaning on culture for a steady stream of newcomers into our Christian communities. How do you avoid growing lazy and apathetic?
• You seem like a really angry bunch. How does following the Lord of Love and Prince of Peace influence you to be such angry people? We just don’t get it.

And, they could go on. After observing and listening to us in 2017, their laughter at our current angst (which seems so trivial to them) may turn to tears. “How did the Way of Jesus, this beautiful way of life for which many of us gave our very lives, become so culturally submerged? We hardly recognize this faith story.”

Unfortunately, the early Christians would laugh…then cry.

 

 “I love what Jesus was about, but I couldn’t be a Christian. I’m just not angry enough at everyone in the world to fit in with them.”                                                                                           Overheard at the coffee shop

The group of twenty-somethings talking at the next table over laughed when one of them made the above statement. They were talking about the day’s political news, which somehow led them to the topic of Christianity. I wish he would have said more than just the above statement. Was there something particular in the news today about Christians? Or is this an expression of this young man’s overall experience with Christians?

Unfortunately, this is the perception of far too many people in our culture when their conversation turns to the Christian Movement. They perceive the Christians as really angry. Like the young man at the table beside me, they don’t believe they are angry enough to be one of those Christ-followers. The common perception of so many observing Christian people is they are:

People who feel victimized since their religion is not as popular or culturally sanctioned as before; claiming persecution.

Angry males who realize their place in the social order doesn’t include as much power as before.

Harsh, judgmental, and generally unloving people without much kindness in them.

Older people who feel displaced by a culture they don’t understand, using their religion to criticize that culture.

Excellent debators who can twist most anything towards alignment with their view; done so with an angry abrassive edge like a radio talk show host.

People who will sacrifice their values for the sake of cultural or political power.

People who are generally mad at most everyone who’s not aligned with their worldview.

Those looking in on the Christian Movement from the outside move from observation (“they’re really angry!) to interpretation (they must believe God likes them better). Yes, Jesus loves you, but we are his favorites.

Those who entertain the thought of being a part of their group quickly realize they just might not be angry enough. But is God angry like that? And since our role in the Christian Movement is to grow more toward God’s reflection, are we to be angry like that? Is this what living in the Way of Jesus is about? Are we to embody the wrath of an Old Testament God, calling fire and brimstone down on those who are different than us? If so, can we work up sufficient anger to fit in with the other Christians? Maybe some of us need anger steroids to keep up.

Well, Jesus was angry at times. Jesus wasn’t just irritated, but exercised full blown irate behavior. He called people vipers and snakes, turning over their tables in the Temple. Jesus became very angry….but not at the sinners. Jesus’ anger was focused on the religious people; those who were angry at everyone else.

O yes, God gets angry.  But God’s not angry like that (like the angry Christians). God’s anger is focused on religious insiders who use their religion like weapons. Jesus was so patient with sinners, but unrelentingly confrontational with the heartless religious of his day.

So let’s get on with it. Let’s lay aside the weights holding us down and back from living in the robust, life-giving Way of Jesus. Who can work up the energy for being constantly angry, railing at a world who won’t conform to our expectations? Who has the patience to coddle Christians pouting over loss of place and prominence in North American culture?

The gospel, when we can lay aside our baggage enough to engage it, is such good news. Looking back, I wish I had the presence of mind in the moment to interrupt the conversation at the table next me. I wish I could rewind time and tell them God’s not angry like that.

 

 

My first clinical position was in a high management group home for boys, ages 8-14. This was a long term environment, wherein children would stay up to two years. After the first week, I seriously considered quitting. This was the most difficult job I had experienced so far. Two Living Skills Counselors were placed in a house with up to eight boys, all of whom were labeled with several mental health diagnoses, while being heavily medicated. A strict behavior modification system was in play, wherein each child earned a check or minus every fifteen minutes on their goal sheets. Each day was highly structured with a schedule to be kept. When a child had a melt down, or escalated up into violent or escapist behavior, the time-out room was available. This was a room with thick wooden walls and a heavy door with serious locks. Getting a child there was an ordeal, usually involving physical restraint by both staff persons, carrying the child to the time-out room and locking the door as quickly as possible. Sometimes we had to call for back-up staff members to assist. Yes, the entire time-out-room-experience was as disturbing as one might think…for the children and staff.

After the first few days of long 12-hour shifts, quitting was a real consideration. But then I looked at my options. The work schedule involved long shifts on, with then plenty of time off; ideal for completing that masters degree in counseling while working full time. This children’s home had a psychiatrist on staff and several therapists around. Families too were involved in treatment, making it a great place to engage in Family Systems Therapy. What a great learning environment for an aspiring therapist. Besides all that, I needed a job and this was my only option at the time. So, I decided to sink or swim. Staying on this job required that kind of commitment.

About six months in, the unthinkable happened. The time-out room door broke. Well, it didn’t mysteriously break on it’s own. It was blasted off its hinges by a large out of control boy. This in itself was not unthinkable, happening on a regular basis (the entire time was there I couldn’t believe these small human beings could generate that kind of destructive power). What was different this time was that the maintenance guy was not available. Mr. Brown worked at the children’s home on weekends to supplement his military pay, and he was out on a three week field exercise with his other job. So, no time out room was available.

What? I couldn’t believe it when the director informed us of this crisis in staff meeting before my shift began. What in the world were we expected to do when the kids were out of control, or one tried running away, or several began to fight, or one picked up something with which to attack one of us staff people?

“Use your skills.” That was the director’s answer. That’s it. “Use your skills.” Instant dread.

So, we informed the kids, who already knew. The last boy who occupied the time-out room quickly informed the others about his success in disabling it. He enjoyed his hero status.

That day, the day the time-out room broke, led into a remarkable three weeks which became high management children’s home lore passed down among staff members to this day. There we were, in a high management children’s home, with the highest management tool unavailable to us (Actually, we could call the police, an even higher management activity, but we didn’t want to wear them out too much). The kids knew the time-out room was broken, the staff knew it was unavailable, and we all knew it was what we used when kids were too far out of control. Now what?

Strangely, that first day, we didn’t need the broken time out room. It was like we all developed an unspoken understanding…”the time-out room is not available, so getting violent or running away or threatening people are not really options for a while…at least not until the time-out room door is fixed. Mr. Brown (maintenance guy) is out of town and the rest of us don’t have time to shop for parts and fix the thing.”

Yes, kids still escalated, moving toward what previously would result in a physical restraint plus a time-out room stay. But something different happened. We staff people adjusted our approaches. We found different ways to relate. We discovered new or dormant intervention skills. Our engagement with the children rose to a new level. We headed-off dilemmas and conflicts way before they resulted in violence. We intervened in more caring and respectful ways. Somehow, our awareness that behavior requiring a time-out room stay could no longer be accommodated, changed things. The children did not escalate to that point so much, dramatically reducing the number of critical incidents. The staff raised their intervention and relational skills to far more effective levels, changing dynamics before hands-on restraints were needed. For that three week period, we didn’t need the time-out room.

So, what do we make of this? What’s this say about group norms? What’s this tell us about how our expectations of what’s acceptable in an environment shape our behavior? Even more, what does this mean about the relational, engagement, and negotiation skills of human beings when they know controlled physical interventions are not options? Is this what happens when parents decide they won’t spank their children…they develop more effective ways of relating which makes spanking obsolete anyway? And what about on a larger scale? What if human beings knew violent interventions were not options? Would we find our interactional styles and skills rising to new levels, making violent problem-solving techniques less needed?

Well, eventually Mr. Brown returned from his field exercises. He went to Home Depot and bought their strongest, thickest door along with an industrial strength lock and hinges. He cut out a small window in the door, installing thick child-proof plexiglas so that one could see in/out. He repaired the framing around the door, attaching the hinges and hanging this new time-out room door. He replaced the log on the door’s front, where staff could write the reason for use and note the time intervals for observation.

After he reported to us (children and staff) the door was operational again, we pretended not to know this the best we could. None of us wanted to return to the way things were. But before the day was out, the time-out room was in play again. When escalating to that level of “out-of-control” could again be accommodated here… then escalation happened.

Evidently, when violence is an option, human beings will exercise that option. Conversely, when violent intervention is not an option, we human beings find all kinds of other, less hurtful ways to engage one another and resolve problems.

May the time-0ut room doors in the world around us break more often.

-For The Common Good